I want to write more. But I don’t. Then I kick myself for not writing more because I claim it is one of my favorite things to do. It makes me feel more fully me when I do.
Here is why I don’t write/blog more:
1) Confusion – I am not quite sure what this blog is supposed to be. I upload my pictures onto Facebook and post status updates pretty regularly. So what exactly is this blog for? I don’t want it to be a repeat of my Facebook page. I also don’t want it to be just a scrapbook of my baby’s milestones. It is obviously not a photoblog. I just know I love to write and that I am an external processor and I love to tell stories. I suppose I could just elaborate on more of what I say on Facebook but…
2) More Confusion – I carry around this strange notion that if I blog, the entries have to be tied up with a neat bow, like a story that appears in Chicken Soup for the ______ Soul. Not just a small anecdote but an accompanying a-ha moment or “What I Learned From This” finale. That is why I resort to over-long status updates instead because I don’t currently have the blog-savvy or blog-balls to go full throttle with my thoughts.
3) Control – While I am glad that I joined Facebook despite its pitfalls (i.e. wasting time, being too superficially connected, not reading enough books because it’s easier to zone out on Facebook after a long day, and not really having over 400 friends or even 40 friends), I am freaked out by the Internet. If I blog, and don’t password protect my sh*t, then ANYONE can read my thoughts. ANYONE. (But if I password-protect, why not just send my few close friends lengthy emails instead? and not take a risk in sharing with a wider range of people?) Which leads to…
4) Being misunderstood – One of my biggest pet peeves EVER. It triggers many of my issues. Whenever I am in a new small group at church, or cohort in grad school as another example, the most common feedback I receive from folks is, “Wow. You are so honest.” That used to confuse me SO much when I was younger because I wondered, “If people are so amazed by my honesty, is everyone else going around lying? Even at a church small group?” My friends explained to me that no, people aren’t necessarily lying but people aren’t exactly like me – they don’t just say their true feelings because they could be ashamed or they could want to appear differently from how they truly feel. I still can’t really wrap my mind around that. I lack that certain gene or savvy or shield? And sometimes I get really hurt because in that way, I am like a kid and I get sad that others can’t be straight with me in the same way.
Oh, so back to being misunderstood. Because I am an emotional and honest person who is usually pretty expressive about how I’m doing at any given moment, I can’t deal well when I’m misunderstood. When someone says, “I heard you and I think you are this way and I think we are SO similar!” And I think, “Oh, no, lady. We couldn’t be more different!”
So basically, I want to blog but read over the shoulder of anyone who happens to read it so that I can explain myself and control their reaction to what I wrote! (See “Control” above). I think this relates to my caring too much about what others think?
5) Caring too much about what others think
6) Fear of Being Insufferable
7) My Personality – I can’t do small talk so if I blog, I’m sure I will share some personal stuff. That is just my stylo. Not any deep dark secrets but stuff. And if it’s anything interesting, I will offend some people. And I have to be okay with that. Will I regret it?
Well, my throat is sore so I should turn in early. My husband is at a work holiday party so he can’t proofread this before I hit “Publish.” I hope he is having a great time but also gaining some weight, feasting on foods that are no longer available to his overthinking, trying-to-blog wife.
Any comments or specific suggestions on how I can write/blog more despite the above reasons would be greatly appreciated. Goodnight!
your blog is great and you’re always so fun to read! if you’re gonna blog, tho, i guess it’s a given that you’re gonna have to stop caring to some extent about how ppl may perceive/interpret your posts and know that you can’t please everybody — this blog is for you & micah, anyways. as far as oversharing, maybe you can set yourself some boundaries for your blog, as far as the personal stuff goes?
Stop thinking so much!!!! This blog is great. Just be yourself and write what comes to you!!! I love reading!!!