I want to write more. But I don’t. Then I kick myself for not writing more because I claim it is one of my favorite things to do. It makes me feel more fully me when I do.
Here is why I don’t write/blog more:
1) Confusion – I am not quite sure what this blog is supposed to be. I upload my pictures onto Facebook and post status updates pretty regularly. So what exactly is this blog for? I don’t want it to be a repeat of my Facebook page. I also don’t want it to be just a scrapbook of my baby’s milestones. It is obviously not a photoblog. I just know I love to write and that I am an external processor and I love to tell stories. I suppose I could just elaborate on more of what I say on Facebook but…
2) More Confusion – I carry around this strange notion that if I blog, the entries have to be tied up with a neat bow, like a story that appears in Chicken Soup for the ______ Soul. Not just a small anecdote but an accompanying a-ha moment or “What I Learned From This” finale. That is why I resort to over-long status updates instead because I don’t currently have the blog-savvy or blog-balls to go full throttle with my thoughts.
3) Control – While I am glad that I joined Facebook despite its pitfalls (i.e. wasting time, being too superficially connected, not reading enough books because it’s easier to zone out on Facebook after a long day, and not really having over 400 friends or even 40 friends), I am freaked out by the Internet. If I blog, and don’t password protect my sh*t, then ANYONE can read my thoughts. ANYONE. (But if I password-protect, why not just send my few close friends lengthy emails instead? and not take a risk in sharing with a wider range of people?) Which leads to…
4) Being misunderstood – One of my biggest pet peeves EVER. It triggers many of my issues. Whenever I am in a new small group at church, or cohort in grad school as another example, the most common feedback I receive from folks is, “Wow. You are so honest.” That used to confuse me SO much when I was younger because I wondered, “If people are so amazed by my honesty, is everyone else going around lying? Even at a church small group?” My friends explained to me that no, people aren’t necessarily lying but people aren’t exactly like me – they don’t just say their true feelings because they could be ashamed or they could want to appear differently from how they truly feel. I still can’t really wrap my mind around that. I lack that certain gene or savvy or shield? And sometimes I get really hurt because in that way, I am like a kid and I get sad that others can’t be straight with me in the same way.
Oh, so back to being misunderstood. Because I am an emotional and honest person who is usually pretty expressive about how I’m doing at any given moment, I can’t deal well when I’m misunderstood. When someone says, “I heard you and I think you are this way and I think we are SO similar!” And I think, “Oh, no, lady. We couldn’t be more different!”
So basically, I want to blog but read over the shoulder of anyone who happens to read it so that I can explain myself and control their reaction to what I wrote! (See “Control” above). I think this relates to my caring too much about what others think?
5) Caring too much about what others think
6) Fear of Being Insufferable
7) My Personality – I can’t do small talk so if I blog, I’m sure I will share some personal stuff. That is just my stylo. Not any deep dark secrets but stuff. And if it’s anything interesting, I will offend some people. And I have to be okay with that. Will I regret it?
Well, my throat is sore so I should turn in early. My husband is at a work holiday party so he can’t proofread this before I hit “Publish.” I hope he is having a great time but also gaining some weight, feasting on foods that are no longer available to his overthinking, trying-to-blog wife.
Any comments or specific suggestions on how I can write/blog more despite the above reasons would be greatly appreciated. Goodnight!