Yesterday was Most Gorgeous date of 10.10.  I love to commemorate beautiful dates but I felt fake to write up a shiny, happy 10.10 ditty when my innards were in struggle mode.

Friends’ loved ones have passed.  As young as in the womb and older folks in their sunset years.  I grieve with them.  Another person who has passed actually meant nothing to me personally, only by association.  We have only had minimal experiences on the periphery, and those were tense due to said associations.

I have yet to reconcile with Kevin after a blow-up over the weekend.  The details are unnecessary as they sound beyond trifling especially in light of my preceding paragraph.   Most marital conflicts are not about the incident at hand, but “infinity loops” of recurring, unresolved shit.

My friend sent me this in response to my heated texts about how I am still raging:

³⁰ And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. ³² Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Ephesians 4:30-32

I explained to her that I don’t respond well to Bible verses or “I’ll pray for you” without a personal mini-testimony of how they went through something themselves.

Lord, I don’t know how to get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger.  Sure, I need to read me some more Word but HOW is my persisting question?  Especially when I don’t WANT to put away those things.

Anger is my shield and protection.  When I struggle with forgiveness of some people in my life, my struggle is not because I can’t forgive them.

My issue with forgiveness is quite the opposite.  It’s about not ackin’ a fool when I see them again because my true nature is huggy and warm and “How you zooin’?” so I don’t know how to FORGIVE but still remain reserved and cold, guarding my heart, thus NOT being myself.

Lord, teach me how to forgive but still have sturdy fencing around my heart ‘cuz You have to know that even though You love urrbody, some of Your creation remain unsafe to me.

So yesterday, on this perfect date of 10/10, my second son with his big cartoon eyes had beef with me:  “You still haven’t apologized to Daddy about the _______.”

I couldn’t believe he knew that we had not reconciled yet even though we still been doing so much family stuff.  I asked him, “What if I had apologized while you were sleeping?”

He said he just knew.  Why must kids be so dang smart and hold you accountable to be a better human?!  Augh!  What if I don’t want to grow, huh?

So 10.10.17, you were far from perfect but I’m glad that I have these next less-gorgeous dates to try again.

I saved this from someone’s FB post because I don’t speak like this when raging.