I misplaced my journal in public today.
Well, to be accurate, I knew exactly where I had placed it but it was no longer there when I returned.
Today was Step Up Day at church for our little guys, as Ellis is about to turn two on October 1st and Micah starting pre-Kindergarden tomorrow. Daddy stayed home with Ellis, who was supposed to be officially jumped in as a Giraffe. He had a runny nose so we wanted to be courteous to his classmates and not spread the love.
Micah was joining the Elephant Room, made up of fellow Preschoolers as well as Kindergardeners.
We had been talking about it all this week, as well as about his upcoming new school. He was excited. He was ready.
When we walked in, he changed his mind. He said, “Where are my friends?” The room did look very different from the Giraffe Room and he didn’t know one classmate or teacher. He was the youngest dude there, with his end of the year birthday and the only new kid from what I could surmise.
I tried extra hard: “Ooh, there’s Pastor Rich’s daughter! Oooh, there’s V, remember she came over to watch Jeremy Lin basketball with us a while back with her family? Remember you went to VBS with O?”
On my better days, I would have been HAPPY to stay and get him adjusted to his new surroundings, even feeling like it was a treat to be able to observe him in a classroom setting.
But Lord, I was in a mood. Lemme back it up.
Yesterday, our family went to play at a Back-to-School Festival at a local park after I ran to the optometrist for a wonky eye in the morning. We got there and it was super hot and humid like we knew it would be. But we thought it’d be a cute, celebratory event for our preschooler. And it was. And I got to hold my friend’s new son.
We got back home just in time for Kevin to finally enjoy himself a Daddy’s Late Afternoon and Night Out. I even wrote him a (rare) tribute on Facebook because I truly appreciated all that he does for us, even though sometimes I get jealous that he “gets” to go to the office and use his computer without two warm, brown little monkeys climbing his body to take over the keyboard. And twisting his titties.
I was really excited for his time out and even sent him out early. After all, I do this all week. I got this. What’s an extra day of unpaid overtime?
As soon as Daddy left, Oh My Lawd. I lost all control.
We started off by doing some cute arts and crafts from the Back-to-School Festival while it stormed outside. But the never-ending day started going downhill quickly afterwards. Downright brutal. It was still humid out despite the intermittent storms, yet I refused to turn on our extreme A/C with Ellis’ nose running. The heat added to everything. I also refused to give them any screen time because screen time is a reward, not a right, though in hindsight, I see that it could have been a reward for Mommy.
It was need after need, fight after fight, repeating myself to no avail, yelling, cursing under my breath, trying the opposite of yelling by whispering to get them to obey me. I felt like I had ADD as I would begin to do something then completely forget what urgent thing I had run into the room to do as one of them would demand something else. Then another spill.
They would egg each other on. If one of them demanded something from me, the other would feel left out and demand something too. There was no reasoning.
After feeding them dinner by bribing them with Transformer tattoos so that they wouldn’t skip another meal, I hid in our tiny kitchen to do the dishes for some down time. I felt like stabbing myself in the forearm to match the frustration I felt on the inside.
I also started feeling sorry for myself, thinking about local mama friends who get weekends off thanks to their parents or in-laws. I knew I was starting to travel down a dirty path of envy and bitterness.
I also knew that bedtimes weren’t gonna happen. That’s a whole other topic I don’t want to get into, lest I receive comments on all that we’re doing wrong.
By the time, Kevin walked in the door (kids still not sleeping, yelling “Hi, Daddy!” from their room), I looked like I had been at the sauna with my damp face and disheveled non-ponytail. I announced that I was not going to church the next day because I felt like I was running on empty and that I need to be alone in a quiet space.
I felt like a car that was long overdue for maintenance. About to break down.
I haven’t even begun to get to the meat of this post…
-To Be Continued-