I love big signs and I cannot lie.
Little signs too. Anything, really.
I think I’ve always been this way. Just like I’ve always loved stories and books and letters.
Signs help me keep the faith.
Kevin and I were in the midst of a huge blowout fight while at a Mets game. I felt like I was the only weirdo in the stadium who just could not have a good time despite the phenomenal weather and being at my husband’s happy place. This ridiculous fight that only kept spiraling.
Do others go through this, too? When we have the rare child-free few hours, a lot of sh*t comes to light, maybe because we don’t have to censor ourselves any more?
Anyways, I called my best friend and said, “Let’s not even talk about this. No need for commentary especially since you’re just gonna make fun of me. Just pray for me, fool. It’s like I’m determined to sabotage this day! Why do I do this!?”
After laughing at me per usual, she prayed, “Please, Lord, may a friendly face in the crowds somehow minister to Jihee while she is upset.”
Minutes later, I run into our younger-than-us pastor, a Mets fanatic just like Kevin. I wish I could report back that Kevin and I were able to salvage our Mets vs Dodgers afternoon but I would be lying. We continued to fight so much that I told Kevin that we should at least fight in Korean in case folks live-Tweet our escalating exchange.
[And the irony is not lost on me that the game was Mets (Kevin) vs. Dodgers (LA/Jihee)].
Despite our horrible afternoon, when I find myself doubting or just feeling alone, I like to recall signs, or small answers to prayer, like running into our pastor immediately after my friend prayed for a friendly face.
Sometimes the signs are beautiful: I was jogging and asking for forgiveness for lashing out in anger yet again and suddenly, I saw a cardinal fly onto someone’s porch.
I loved it. What a gift. Pigeons, robins, and even morning doves are more common in my NYC neighborhood but rarely do I get to behold a bright red cardinal.
Then another sign on the same morning as the cardinal. I was about to step into the passenger seat of our mini-van to go to church after the cardinal-spotting jog, when I looked down at the wet road under my foot. There was a gold heart smashed into the street. Thank You, Lord. Love, love, and more love when I needed it the most: when I’m feeling like a failure for not having more control over my anger.
And yes, the words “Kate Spade” on the golden heart made it slightly less enchanting, but I choose to keep the sign free from commercialism please. (Added bonus: it was the morning of our friend’s baby sister’s wedding!)
Other times, it’s a Bible verse shared on Facebook or a Bible verse I happen to stumble on when looking up a Proverb matching the day of the month:
It’s better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife. – Proverbs 21:19 (New Living Translation)
And sure, I know that sometimes I am too much on the hunt for signs, hoping that the notecard floating in the wind will land on that patch of grass and reveal a perfect, timely message for me, only to realize that it was a teen’s handwritten study note about amino acids.
Nevertheless, thank You for signs. I will keep looking.