update:  have been on the fence about whether to write more on this here blog because i am thinking about so much lately yet i fear that i will regret sharing my innerworld on the dang worldwideweb YET i truly want to connect with others and maybe what i’m saying can resonate with other women…here is a quickie letter i wrote to micah while in LA:

25 feb 2011

it’s hard to keep record of your progress since u change everyday, sometimes throughout the day.
you slept most of the time during your first plane ride ever, and it was a big one – from jfk to lax.  u were in the moby wrap that was all kinds of long-loopy nonsense but mama figured that the fabric would be better for you than the stuffy bjorn.  mama’s friend was kind enough to send me her barely used one in time for our family’s flight on 2.11.11.
 
lately, you have become so aware, it’s astonishing!  you always had SOME vision but you seem like val kilmer in that awful movie where his vision is restored after being a blind masseuse.  you watch mama and california gramma intently.  you seem to be more emotional when we disappear from your line of vision.  i’m not trying to knock you down but you do seem needier this week than you were before your vision sharpened.  before your gradual Awakening.  you Avatar baby – You See Me.
 
yesterday at the Topanga Plaza, a mall mama used to visit regularly during her high school days, an abuela commented by asking mama if she also has another baby on the way because of my extra padding.  and in true mama fashion, instead of walking away in a huff, i ended up practicing spanish with her while i finished my Toasted Coconut L.A. Creamery ice cream (where i called myself Just a Housewife to my dismay).  the abuela’s hija gordita said, “well, if you’re not the type to work out hard, you’ll lose it slowly then.  it’s okay.”  she was so fat herself, not just ___ lbs. extra like me, but she said that and proceeded to ask me a lotta personal questions WHICH I KEPT ON ANSWERING!  because i am effusive and open, i seem to give off a vibe to ppl that says, “Yes, please go there.  Ask away about my life!”
 
you will soon know that unlike mama, your papa is very private.  my nature is to be open but always end up kicking myself for giving away too much – even with this blog i may or may not continue.  i wonder how you’ll be.  on a positive note, the abuela did say, “que lindo, que bello!  que limpio!  mira los brazitos!” about you.  i dunno how ppl don’t stop to gasp at your olive-skinned, bright-eyed, perfect eyebrowed, juicily plump form.  even if you weren’t mine, i would stop to gasp at your cuteness that is not adequately captured in photos.  but then again, i’ve always been a worshipper of babies and even seek them out on subways and planes.
 
mama has had a strange week.  i’ve longed to come back Home for so long, esp. since the seven snowstorms hit nyc in jan.  but here, my heart aches in a different way.  i think it’s not a good place to be when i can’t seem to see my blessings CLEARLY the way i was able to during pregnancy.  now i keep envying folks for having rich or financially stable parents or even Auntie _____ who is in a brand new relationship where her fiance’s friends have welcomed her with open arms immediately.  mama can’t help but reflect on how hard it was when i would visit your pops across the country when we were only boyfriend/girlfriend, and ________ were all so cold and unwelcoming.  i don’t wanna boo-hoo but currently mama is in a weepy state to match the rainy weekend we have ahead.  i KNOW i am so blessed but sometimes, when i’m hurting, i don’t SEE clearly and i just see other ppl having “easier” paths EVEN if i know they have their big struggles. 
 
anyways, that was a big tangent mostly so that i can write about it later in some form and also because i don’t mind or think it’s bad if you get to see my inner life, warts and all.  i wanna keep a record of everything for you because time is just slipping by.
 
you are about as tall as the portable changing pad that my striped Le Sport Sac diaper bag came with.  you look to drool and gnaw on your fists.  you are sleeping on a blanket on gramma and grampa’s living room floor.  i didn’t dare drop you off in the pack n play since you seemed so upset to not be held or see me next to you.  i should remind you of that if/when you tell me to drive away from the mall before your friends get there.
your smile.  oh, your smile.  it is so radiant and transforms your serious handsome CEO lookin’ face that doesn’t quite seem like an unformed baby face.  words cannot describe your smile.  it just breaks open your entire face – your whole face smiles, not just smizing.  you are so beautiful – your skin, your perfectly shaped and colored lips, your nose and profile exactly like your dad’s, your perfect chin (maybe mama’s?), your apple, non-droopy spillage of cheeks, your rolls of plush skin that i now have to aquaphor in between as the folds got chafed.
 
you are so good when in the car and at the mall.  you just observe EVERYTHING, esp. lights and ceilings.  you prefer that to toys.  you love to inspect everything and you look so dang wise.  i was watching a dumb show called The Bachelor, where this one dude dates on tv to find his wife.  he was walking along the beach with his shirt off, displaying golden pecs and washboard abs.
 
you already have pecs on a broad chest, my little man!  but one day when you are a grown man, walking around with your choice of ladies to court, i will still see the little boy that i see before me right now, taking a nap, not yet knowing about poor vs. rich, winners vs. losers, la vs. nyc, fat vs. fit…the idea of you as a grown man should make me look fwd to the future but there is a part of mama that wishes she could freeze you right now, where you are most comforted in my bosom and where there is no Me separate from you.  our breaths are intermingled and you find warmth against my body, get startled when i cough, and all you need is my touch to be restored to peace.  i wish i could freeze the simplicity of your needs and i’m scared of when you find out how imperfect and how ugly i can be.
 
i love you micah – so much that i can’t capture it with words.